Kilts Look Good: Or, Millions of Reasons Why I Should Never Wear Them

Kilts Look Good

But Beware The Cross Winds

Student Tours Scotland rarely gets its ginger guide to tour in his kilt. There are many reasons for that and just some of them are outlined below. Enjoy.

Welcome to Glasgow, from Student Tours Scotland after a great morning at Glasgow Caledonian University. It’s always a pleasure to say hello to new students and I especially have a wee space in my heart for GCU. I used to work there - four years in fact. So it means a lot to me.

I always go a little overboard in January and September when all the new students start and very often that involves me showing up in my kilt and talking nonsense for about twenty minutes. To those who have to sit through it, I apologise. My God, Glaswegians like to talk!

So, I’m half Scottish, half Irish and ginger with a Glasgow accent. I was told a few years ago that I, “HAVE to wear a kilt”. Apparently if gingers don’t do it then the world will explode. As if being ginger and Scottish was not enough, I have to go full stereotype just to get the heads turning. I act like I don’t like it, but, if you know me, you’ll know that I feed off the attention. I am, after all, KING of the Drama Queens at times.

However, I need to focus on kilts here. I love and HATE wearing my kilt. It’s just not that practical guys. Sure it looks great and has that wee pouch that we call a sporran, but it just does not do the job that I need every day of my life. I need pockets - and deep ones. A wee furry man purse is not going to do the trick for me. It is not, as one American girl asked, a T.A.R.D.I.S. It is in fact NOTHING. It’s tiny inside, my smart phone barely sits. And let’s not even discuss what happens when I have to move quickly or run and the (very full) pouch bounces up and down on an area of a guy that really doesn’t need that kind of attention.

But yes, I agree, they look good. Even this skinny ginger can pull off a casual look in a kilt every now and again. But they have very often caused me a lot of problems. It was nice walking around Bremen in Germany in my kilt but you get so many weird looks. People think you are clearly insane. I am also not a fan of being asked why I am wearing a skirt. It is most surely not, a skirt.

It’s the Marilyn Monroe stuff that hate though. Her Majesty The Queen gets to have her dresses weighted at the bottom so that when the wind blows we don’t get to see all her crown jewels. I however cannot afford to buy an expensive weighted kilt and so when I’m in Edinburgh in the summer doing walking tours and the winds from Leith Port decide to blow up the Royal Mile...let’s just say most people are not too happy about having their retinas scared forever. #CantBeUnseen

My all time highlight moments in my kilt though come from Edinburgh - that wonderful place with so many stories already. On tour in the Royal Mile, whilst in the middle of an epic story of love, mystery and sadness, a wee old lady hobbled up to the group, pushed past everyone while I was mid pose and said, “wheek yur duke and gies ah show”. I don’t wanna translate all of that for you - ask a Glaswegian. Let’s just say it’s like your grandmother saying it to you in front of your friends. It’s mortifying.

The best one though has to be what I call, “The Honest Junkie”. While telling a story on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh (maybe I should avoid it in my kilt) a wee homeless junkie was sitting next to us on the street drinking heavily. Mid-story a gust of wind lifted the back of my kilt giving the poor guy quite the view from the rear. Before I could apologise he had the students laughing when he said, “don’t worry son, it wisnae that bad a view tae be honest”.  I’m still worried he will be there waiting when I go back.

So try the kilt, enjoy the kilt, but beware the kilt!